Medium Luck

CW: Cancer words, with ceramics pictures

Lucky

Throughout the cancer "journey" I've been bouncing back and forth between whether I'm suffering from terrible luck (my cancer and my nephew's) or whether I've been really lucky given the circumstances.

I was able to spend some time in the studio before the last infusion and I finished this piece (mine is the one on the left; the one on the right is naughty).

I keep thinking of this children's book I read with my daughter when she was young. It was called Zen Shorts and the stories were allegories. The one I'm thinking of followed a person whose apparent luck kept switching. What looked unlucky at first turned out to have a positive impact, then a result of that lucky turn causes something bad to happen. It went back and forth, alternating between "good" luck and "bad" luck.  Probably the moral was about perspective or that luck isn't really a thing.

why take a ceramics photo if you can take a cat ceramics photo?

My last few months have felt pretty similar, actually. Obviously one of the first reactions to my diagnosis was that I was terribly unlucky. While I was waiting on the results of my biopsy, I read that 4/5 of all breast biopsies turn out to be benign. How unlucky that I was in the smaller group. A number of the factors of my initial diagnosis seemed like terribly bad luck. The cancer was identified as grade 9/9 (We're looking for a low score here. Cancer grade is like golf, not a spelling test), and it had already spread to the lymph node. How unlucky that my doctor hadn't scheduled me for a mammogram at 40. (Or is it lucky I caught it myself?)

the texture inside took a long time

As soon as I started having conversations with friends who have or had had breast cancer or other cancers, I realized how much research and innovation has happened around breast cancer in the last 20 years and how lucky I am to have breast cancer now because of how much treatment has improved. 

once more with cat

I stop myself here, because this is a ridiculous thing to consider. When I think to myself "how lucky that I have breast cancer instead of some less well-studied cancer," it only takes a moment before I realize that this assumes that I was going to get some cancer and the only variables were what type. Or I think "How lucky that I have breast cancer now instead of in 1980 or 2000" like my breast cancer was inevitable, only the timing up for debate. That's not how anything works, yet that's apparently how minds work.

I'm lucky the cancer was caught early. Or was it late? My primary care doctor didn't recommend a mammogram at 40, because some guidelines say 40 and others say 45 or 50. It's unlucky that she didn't take my concerns in July seriously. But maybe it's lucky that I asked again (and saw someone else) in September.  It's unlucky that the clinic didn't get back to me very quick on scheduling a mammogram, but it's lucky I followed up when I hadn't heard for 2 weeks. The process from first concern to referral to mammogram to biopsoy took a long time, or maybe it was pretty quick.  My cancer grade and stage (I don't officially have a stage because apparently they don't "stage" it until after surgery) are worse than they could be (some breast cancers are caught before spreading) but better than they could be, too. I'm somewhere in the middle on this one, so I guess I have medium luck. No one ever talks about being medium lucky.

I've mentioned several times that I am incredibly lucky (and I stand by this and will keep saying so) to have such a strong support network of friends and family and colleagues to support me during this time. This one isn't up for debate. The people in my life are just great people and I appreciate them so much.

so many cards from people wishing me well

Digression: I am really touched by how people have reached out to me via mail, letters, texts, Facebook, and this blog to just say they're thinking about me. Before my cancer stuff, I didn't realize how much that stuff mattered. Those of you wondering if you're doing enough or if it matters when you say you're thinking about someone whose going through some stuff, my informed response is that it really does. You don't have to be articulate, it just really feels good to know that someone is thinking of you. And I really hope that even when I'm not feeling up to responding, that people realize that I still appreciate them reaching out.

a really gorgeous card, the crane is embossed, not drawn

People reached out right away to offer to feed us through Meal Train. Like, LOTS of people. We are really lucky that people just wanted to do this (and that so many people are so much better at cooking than I am). On the other hand, every other week lately, I've got a few days where I think how unlucky it is that I can't seem to manage to eat what folks provide. This week I got to revisit some of the food I did manage to eat. That felt pretty unlucky at the time. But how lucky I have a husband who can help me deal with the...results so I can just moan and sit on the floor. And how lucky am I that the symptoms haven't kept me bedridden or in the bathroom throughout the entire process. How lucky I am to be able to suffer the symptoms at home and not need to go to the ER or doctor over them.

How lucky I am that modern drugs are very effective against nausea from chemo. (Though might I just mention how unlucky it feels when don't always work.) How lucky that I'm able to eat enough most of the time, and how unlucky that I can't eat dairy, and also peanuts smell offensive (yet they're ok to eat for some reason), and grapes now taste like rot, and some days lemon and lime popsicles are the only think I can tolerate. But also, how lucky that my friend Mary brought me both lemon and lime popsicles a while back.

for some reason, this is one I can tolerate when I can't tolerate much

The biggest bad luck add-on (meaning after the first bad luck of having cancer) is my nephew having cancer. I feel a bit funny claiming his cancer as "my" bad luck. Obviously my nephew his parents and brother own this bad luck much more that I do. But why should our family have the bad luck of having a poor little 2.5 year old have cancer? And why should we have to have two people with cancer? That's super crappy sucky stupid bad luck. On the other hand, how lucky that both of our cancers look pretty treatable. How lucky that only one of us has to do chemo. How unlucky that my newphew's symptoms started out so severe (he lost his ability to walk and lost a lot of control of his muscles and even speech). Except, how lucky that his severe symptoms led to a quick diagnosis and start to treatment.

How unlucky that both of us have months of being immune compromised, and during a pandemic, too. Except, how lucky that we're doing this during the part of the pandemic where I and our families can be vaccinated. How lucky that we're doing this during a time when it's socially acceptable to wear masks in public and our friends are sure to keep their masks on around us to protect us.

Also this gift was particularly good, even though I can't always eat these

How unlucky that we have to spend so much time in hospitals and deal with all these bills. How intensely lucky are we both to be on good insurance so that our families aren't going to become bankrupt because of this. (BTW, how stupid that our country doesn't just have universal healthcare because no one should have to feel lucky to be able to afford life saving treatment in a wealthy country!)

I am incredibly lucky to be able to take time off from work because I have sick leave saved up AND I live in a state with Paid Family Medical Leave. My Yakima oncologist said that many people work through this type of chemo (the SCCA oncologist in Seattle said I shouldn't consider working), because they don't have any other option. I cannot imagine working during the last three weeks.  Unluckily my newphew's state doesn't PMFL, but luckily his parents have semi-flexible work schedules and some work leave. They are also able to take advantage of our folks having good health and a situation that allows them to get to their house to help out. How unlucky that my brother and I live on opposite coasts with my folks in the middle, but how lucky that they are able to travel. And how lucky that we were all able to get together this summer before all-cancer-hell broke loose.

a family boat-train (being chased by an ogre) at the beach this summer

The ping ping match here between good and bad luck hasn't gotten me anywhere (and I knew it wouldn't), but I wanted to write about it because it feels like such a constant refrain in my life. I feel ping-ponged back and forth between these feelings. Consciously, I can easily get some perspective and see the mix of good and bad in the situation and feel very good about the good. Obviously it is easier to keep this perspective when I'm feeling well and because I have so much help and don't have to work.

Chemo Update

I finished my 4th and final Adriamycin & Cytoxan infusion last Wednesday and today is the first day I haven't felt nausea. I am still having some GI symptoms, like indigestion and discomfort. It took me over an hour to get through my breakfast which is a thing now, apparently. 

photo at my last infusion (looking at it makes me queasy)

This last round was particularly bad. I was given some new antinasea medicine on the day of my infusion because I had complained about the length of symptoms the time before. I figured the new stuff was pretty serious because they gave me just 4 pills and the pharmacist was pretty clear about telling me not to take it until evening because it will make me very drowsy. 

my mother-in-law sent me this wig that looks absolutely ridiculous on me

I felt pretty sick on the day of the infusion and took my new medicine and went to bed about 6. I was already feeling bad before I left the infusion room, but it was more indigestion than nausea. The nurse recommended Pepcid and suggested that the chemo messes with my whole GI tract. That makes a lot of sense as I've had most symtoms along that line that I can think of, including a bit of trouble swallowing, which seems random.

the other sculpture (nearly finished) from before the last infusion

The next morning, Thursday, I felt groggy but no nausea and I was able to basically function all day, even though I felt a bit ill. I even had a meeting that morning with the genetic counselor about the results of my genetic test. They tested 75 genes, including ones they know are linked to breast cancer, ones that might be linked to breast cancer, and some linked to other cancers. All 75 were negative, which seems pretty great! That night I took less than a full pill because the pharmacist suggested taking a half dose if I was too groggy and I had a meeting scheduled on Friday morning. I took about 3/4 of a pill rather than half because I couldn't break it evenly. 

texture focus

Friday morning I was exceedingly dizzy and sick and had to cancel the meeting. I felt worse throughout the day and ended up going back to bed for most of the day. I wasnt able to eat lunch and had just a tiny bit of dinner which I got to see again that evening. Saturday I was still pretty unwell. I wasn't able to eat breakfast but did have some lunch and a tiny bit of my dinner. Sunday was much better, but I was still uncomfortable. 

this one was a remix of this old broken one from college

The Sunday level nausea can be more or less kept in check with the original nausea medicines; my desk is covered with bottles and pill packets of 3 kinds of antinauseau medicines, as well as Pepcid, Imodium, and Tylenol. I've also got eye drops and moisturizer for my hands and feet because of how dry everything gets, and a large waterbottle beside my bed because my mouth gets so incredibly parched despite the 3 liters I'm drinking every day.

more texture

Anyway, whine whine, this was the last round of the "dreaded red" and on the 9th I have my first round of Taxol. Everything the experts tell me is that the Taxol shouldn't be as hard on my system as the A/C. I'm feeling a little leery as the one nurse who did my blood draw last Tuesday said that the third round of A/C was worse than the fourth and she was obvioulsy way wrong on that one. But besides her, everyone else said the 4th round of A/C is the worst, so I'm hoping that's accurate.